Today marks the day that we cut ties from the hotiy toity British and were like HEY I WANNA RUN MY OWN KINGDOM THAT ISN'T REALLY A KINGDOM MORE LIKE A NATION BASED UPON FREEDOM. On July 4th 1776 Amurica penned the Declaration of Independence and said see ya suckers to our oppressors across the pond. And now, here we are today celebrating this momentous historical day with really weird traditions. Can we all just pause for a second and realize how weird holiday traditions are? Like why do gingerbread cookies exist? I'm ecstatic they do! But why? Christmas traditions are for another time and place though, we're here to talk about Independence Day in the good ol' U S of A!
First off, hotdogs. I'm sitting outside at a cafe writing this on July 4th in our nation's capitol and continue to get wafts of hotdog smell. My mouth is watering uncontrollably. But why are these sodium filled penis shaped cured meats a staple of the 4th of July? Does it have something to do with the fact declared in Superbad that foods shaped like dicks are the best kinds? Probably because the truth in this statement is clearly undeniable.
Then there are fireworks which to me are pretty fantastical. How do they work? How does something you set on fire shoot up in the air and depict bright designs in the night sky? What is the science behind this! Who thought it would be cool to shoot colored shit off into the sky really loudly? This seems like a big F YOU to everyone who has ever messed with America. And I dig it. What better way is there to be like excuse me! I'm here and I am the world's leading superpower than setting off fireworks on the holiday of our independence?
Also, parades. Am I the only one who thinks parades are kind of the worst? What's the point? Maybe this is because crowds are a thing of hell to me, but it seems especially bad on the 4th because it is in the thick of the summer. Heat, sweat, smelly bodies, stickiness. GAG STOP, NO! You're standing for like 3 hours to see people drive past you on floats that usually aren't that impressive. I've only really been to local parades which don't have the budget or the starpower to take parading over the top so I can't vouch for really big name parades, but those big name parades are so crowded anyways you have no chance of getting a good spot to wave at a pageant queen or something like that! So yeah, I'll leave the parade watching to my fellow Americans.
This is pretty much me on July Fourth. I enjoy celebrating things immensely and especially enjoy a day centered around hotdogs and commemorating why I have a wonderful life full of freedom to be who I want when I want. Thanks America! You're the best! Keep being magnificent you! I'm your national anthem.
But mostly this day is worth it because it gives you a reason to play "Party in the USA" on repeat.
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