I will admit that I had taken a long hiatus from Lifetime movie watching. But, that all changed one fateful Tuesday last week when the internet at my house was out, therefore, the Netflix on my tv didn't work, therefore, I watched a Lifetime movie on the death of JonBenet Ramsey. I had indeed seen this movie before (you just can't call them films because that seems wrong and blasphemous, they are made for tv MOVIES) but I happily watched it again.
Then about a week later I found one starring Fred Savage (The Wonder Years guy) and Candace Cameron (DJ Tanner!!!) called No One Would Tell.
Again, I had seen this one before.The star high school wrestler (wrestler really? give me a football player) falls for the innocent girl and then things start to get good.
Having seen Lifetime movies before seems to be a personal trend for any Lifetime movies that were made in the 1990's because Lifetime movies were kind of my childhood. My best friend and I would spend after school days and weekends pouring over the exciting/uncomfortable feeling Lifetime movies gave us.
Why? Why are Lifetime movies so damn good? I have found that the best way to describe the brilliance of these movies is that they are so good because they are so bad.
There are three fundamentals to a ridiculously delicious Lifetime movie. The relationship between the three is interrelated.
Hyper-sexualization is probably my favorite facet of a good Lifetime movie. And I can imagine (ok, I know for a fact) that this was and still is what draws me into the ulterior universe that is Lifetime movies. When I was younger, watching Lifetime movies was like opening an exhilarating door into horrifying, yet exciting sex things. I mean the characters in these movies really go at it. STEAMY is the one word that should be able to be used when describing any and all good Lifetime movie sex scenes. Hyper-sexualization of characters, plots, and the sex scenes themselves is imperative.
Terrible acting seems like an oxymoron to the making of an entertaining movie. It really isn't though, because the horrible acting of Lifetime movies lets you stay on the surface of the viewing experience. You get involved but only in a way that keeps you aware that you're watching a shitty Lifetime movie. You don't get lost in these movies, but you sure as hell aren't going to get up for a bathroom break when the obsessive boyfriend is waiting for her in her apartment...with a knife and a maniacal glint in his eye! (For this look, try Mother May I Sleep With Danger? with Tori Spelling)
Outrageous plot lines are another make or break of a worthy Lifetime movie. You must have a murder, stalker blowout, affair, jealous rage or any other upsetting event to propel Lifetime movieness into greatness. I guess my favorite would have to be the sweet boyfriend/husband who quickly unfolds into a controlling psycho.
Most importantly though is the basic, all powerful theme that Lifetime movies have to be creepy. They need to make you squirm a little. If mastered correctly, the interaction among hyper-sexualization, terrible acting and outrageous plot lines will provide a creepy, disturbing, squirm to your step.
So now that you are ramped up to experience or re-experience some Lifetime movie action, here are a few of my favorites:
Savage Messiah- About a cult leader who's a really crazy, creepy dude. Very scary and based on true events, which we all know is the best.
 |
| LOOK AT THOSE EYES! |
Video Voyeur- The Susan Wilson Story- The beautiful Angie Harmon and her family have a weirdo neighbor who installs a camera in their home and watches their intimate moments!
Friends 'Til The End- This one is a stunner. Shannon Doherty is the cool girl in a band, with the perfect bf. Then she makes a new blonde friend who slowly takes over her life and tries to kill her!
So next time you're hankering for a feel-good Lifetime movie, don't watch these. But do watch them if you're in the mood for something a little eerie.
No comments:
Post a Comment